Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	Lost Prophets- Last Train Home

Well, this is one of the hardest entries to write, I've deleted it about 3 or 4 times now. I find myself thinking, but if asked what I was thinking about, I really wouldn't be able to tell you. I'd probably say "nothing really, just thinking..." and then I'd trail off and get that thousand yard stare again. When in actuality all sorts of things are going through my head, I just don't realy know how to explain them all...their so random and disjointed, they really make no sense at all...It's like I'm watching T.V., get bored with the channel and then flip to something else. I figure though, if I put them down, here, it maybe will help to figure things out as I write them; so here goes nothing.....

I find myself looking back on my decision to join the military, I guess it's finally set in, the reality of it all. Now that I had an official Enlistment date and all. as of 3/12/04 I officially became a PFC in the United States Army. Don't get me wrong, it's one of the proudest moments of my life, I just look back on it and see that I may have gotten into the whole Army thing for totally wrong reasons, but now I want to do it to serve my country and defend my loved ones, which wasn't necessaily the reason I got the whole ball rolling on this thing. At first I started to get into the Amry, to prove people wrong, to prove to them that I could do it, because if you knew me in middle school, I would be the least likely person Physically and mentally. I wanted to prove them all wrong, to show them all what asses they were. I also did it, for the fact that people might like me more if they knew I was in the Army, be more attracted to me, be more willing to talk to me, all those things. As I began to think about it and mull things over in my mind, I realized that I can't change peoples attitudes really or makep their minds for them, as I came to that realization I also came to the realization of how many true friends I really had, the ones that would bail me out of jail, if they have the money. I felt so fortunate to have so many true close friends that my thinking began to change. I began to realize that I would never want anything to happen to them, and I would do anything to prevent it. Thats when I realized that if I joined in the Army, that would be the best way to make sure my friends and loved ones were protected, as well as the country I love. So it was with a renewed sense of purpose that I persued my goals of joining, and that brings us to today I guess. Chances are, once I'm done with undergrad and I'm working on my masters, I will get deployed, as ROTC will no longer protect me from getting shipped out. People ask me every now and then if I'm scared of dying I tell themplainly "yeah, yeah I am" but then I elaborate on that a little more. I think everyone is scared to die, we just show it in our own way, we're scared to die because it's a great mystery to us, it's unexplained and unkown, and we're inherintly scared of what we don't know. So yes, I am afraid to die, but it won't cripple me, I think if anything it will help me come back safe home and bring the men that I lead safe home too. I do know that if I die, It will have been for a greater purpose than my own. I will also know that because I have made the ultimate sacrifce, some one else may live, that might end up doing more good than I could ever possibly imagine. I don't want my friends to mourne me, rather I'd want them to celebrate, knowing that I led my life exactly the way I wanted. That I have no regrets, about how things might have been or how I could have done things differently. I also would want them to realize that I'm someplace better, going headlong into a new adventure.....
I look back on my life right now and realize that I'm quite happy with the decsions I've made, they may not have been the best decisions, but I'm all the better for it, that I am sure of. I've made a few very close friends and Iwouldn't trade anything in the world for them, hell I'd even give my Kidney's to em...which means I'd have to give up Scotch, so just remember that guys....I'd give up Scotch for you :) I also look eagerly ahead towards the future and wonder whats in store for me? what lies around the next bend? what kind of new adventure awaits our hero? I get excited at the prospects of it, knowing that I have a full life to pretty much do what I will with it, much like a sculptor would mold his clay.

My only regret is that I have only so many years to do so so many things....